Finding Cate

Don’t  have kids unless you’re ready to raise them. This popular saying has gained renewed significance for me lately. As a solo parent raising my daughter, Penny, every day, I’ve come to realize how much the patriarchy influences parenting dynamics.  The concept of “computer parenting” where one parent is physically absent yet still expects to maintain a connection is fundamentally flawed, especially when it’s not rooted in a mutual commitment to co-parenting. When parents make the conscious choice to forgo their responsibilities for personal comfort, it’s not just unfair; it borders on abandonment. It’s particularly troubling that society often overlooks this, allowing individuals to escape scrutiny and accountability. From my firsthand experience, I can affirm that a child's relationship with their parent is vital for their emotional development. The absence of one parent creates a gap that can lead to feelings of loss and confusion for the child. Parenting is not like a ho...

“Penny has a weird African name!” I can still hear that phrase ringing in my ears. It was said over a phone call to someone else while I sat there and while I quickly interjected , in that moment, I knew I faced a daunting challenge. Penny and I often found ourselves surrounded by comments that dehumanized immigrants. I often received backhanded compliments, like,  “You have a great lean body, unlike others with those typical big African behinds!”  Or sometimes they would say,  “Penny doesn’t even look African.” The truth is, people deny their racial biases because admitting to them is uncomfortable. This leaves little room for growth or unlearning. Such experiences have made me acutely aware of the world around us. While Penny is too young to fully grasp the impact of these statements, I know that a day will come when I can no longer shield her. The last thing I want is for her to associate her African heritage with anything less than the pride I hold for it. Can you ima...

The question I'm most often asked is, "How did you manage a separation with a newborn and postpartum?" Half the time, my honest answer is, "I don’t know." But a recent conversation brought a profound realisation: without my daughter, Penny, I might have truly lost my way. It was the fierce determination not to fail her that became my guiding light. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I was acutely aware of the kind of parent I wanted to be. One of my greatest fears, which I shared with Penny’s father, was losing my patience, shouting, or instilling unnecessary fear in her. This very drive became a powerful force, helping me stay sober even during the toughest times. I knew I had to maintain a smiling, playful, and jovial demeanour because Penny deserves a happy childhood, not one shadowed by a sad and listless mother. Calm baby I am incredibly fortunate that Penny is a calm baby. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped if she weren't. She sleeps when...

Walking away from my marriage, especially with a newborn in the picture, was undoubtedly one of the most challenging decisions I've ever made. In fact, the initial months after leaving were filled with bargaining and a deep yearning to return. The gravity of separating from someone you share a child with is immense, especially when a deep love existed. I genuinely loved Penny's father, and together we crafted beautiful memories that I intend to share with her one day. He is, at his core, a good man, though not without his own imperfections, a reminder that even well-intentioned individuals can sometimes make mistakes. But, this isn't about him; it's about my journey of self-discovery and growth in the aftermath. So, what lessons did I gain from this experience? 1. I Discovered My Own Rigidity: I've always been someone who struggles to let go, particularly when lacking a sense of closure. I crave understanding the "why" behind e...

One thing that really traumatized me in my past relationship, among other things, was finding out that my partner would call his mother and share every single intimate detail about our marriage including secrets/pillow talk I had shared with him about my family.  This was revealed to me casually when I came back from China and in a condescending manner to suggest my family had no capacity of taking care of me postpartum and questioning my gifts towards my family. ”Can’t they pay for their own trips?” Yet all that came from my pocket. Every single coin. To make matters worse it was gossip circulating between Gothenburg and Stockholm. My life, your entertainment typa shiii! What hurt the most was when confronted he said: ”Yeah, I tell my mother everything!” That’s actually what triggered my opening up. It was a wake up call to stop protecting someone who didn’t care about my dignity.  No apology ever followed other than a blanket statement about regrets on things said in the pas...

  My mum forgot to call Penny and me yesterday for the first time since July, and I wasn’t bothered. Before my separation, the relationship between my mother and I was just there. Sometimes disappointed by her choices in life, angry that she wasn’t calling me enough times and didn’t understand my struggles abroad.  But something changed since I told her I had left Shanghai for Gothenburg, and of course, the circumstances. Not only did she call me twice a day, but she also made sure that I had eaten, was not alone, and was hanging in there before I finally made it to Kenya for some tender love and care.  I have always admired my mother. First, because she is my mother and secondly, because of her resilience. Coming from an extremely humble background, and have made it in life through hard work and resilience. This is a woman who went back to university in her 40s, paid my school fees for journalism school when my dad had doubts about my career path, all while maintaining h...

Photo/Julia Coughlanph https://www.instagram.com/julia.coughlanph/ Being single again in my mid-30s is a mixed bag. It's a struggle to find time for myself while solo parenting, especially being away from my core support system. But when I do get out, it's incredibly fulfilling. The company I keep and the people I meet are intentionally uplifting. I love dressing up and feeling appreciated as more than 'just a mum', a desirable woman! I feel complete, liberated, and, as the days go by and I reflect on how far Penny and I have come, I feel bad ass. It also helps that my clothes fit well and that I'm happy with my body. A little sexy is good for the self-esteem *wink*. My daughter gives me purpose, a reason to live, and I’m strong enough to pursue my retirement dreams. At my age and already in motherhood, if I were to date again, it would be purely for companionship. I’m not looking to build from scratch. It's funny how healing works. One day, you're heartbrok...