Will I ever trust again?

One thing that really traumatized me in my past relationship, among other things, was finding out that my partner would call his mother and share every single intimate detail about our marriage including secrets/pillow talk I had shared with him about my family. 

This was revealed to me casually when I came back from China and in a condescending manner to suggest my family had no capacity of taking care of me postpartum and questioning my gifts towards my family. ”Can’t they pay for their own trips?” Yet all that came from my pocket. Every single coin. To make matters worse it was gossip circulating between Gothenburg and Stockholm. My life, your entertainment typa shiii!

What hurt the most was when confronted he said: ”Yeah, I tell my mother everything!” That’s actually what triggered my opening up. It was a wake up call to stop protecting someone who didn’t care about my dignity. 

No apology ever followed other than a blanket statement about regrets on things said in the past. 

Initially, I never wanted to discuss my failed marriage not only publicly but also with my family or friends. I wanted to protect my father’s child but boy!

READ ABOUT THE ROLE MY FAMILY HAS PLAYED IN THIS JOURNEY

Did I feel better after telling my side of the story and saying what led to our split? No! Instead I just went against my principles🤮

This experience left me wondering whether I would ever open up to anyone to those levels. Then a friend pointed out that I might carry this trauma to my next relationship and punish someone who doesn’t deserve it. One thing I have learnt from therapy is that pillow talk is one of the greatest forms of intimacy. When such trust is breached one feels as if they have been stripped naked. Akin to sleeping with the enemy. Information is a weapon and when handed to the wrong person it becomes catastrophic. 

I’m still working on myself and understanding that people are different while others will guard your secrets to the grave, others will use it against you to make themselves feel like better humans. I hope I can trust and open up again one day!