Computer parenting is just burdening the other parent

Don’t have kids unless you’re ready to raise them.

This popular saying has gained renewed significance for me lately. As a solo parent raising my daughter, Penny, every day, I’ve come to realize how much the patriarchy influences parenting dynamics. 

The concept of “computer parenting” where one parent is physically absent yet still expects to maintain a connection is fundamentally flawed, especially when it’s not rooted in a mutual commitment to co-parenting.

When parents make the conscious choice to forgo their responsibilities for personal comfort, it’s not just unfair; it borders on abandonment. It’s particularly troubling that society often overlooks this, allowing individuals to escape scrutiny and accountability.

From my firsthand experience, I can affirm that a child's relationship with their parent is vital for their emotional development. The absence of one parent creates a gap that can lead to feelings of loss and confusion for the child. Parenting is not like a hobby that one engages in only when convenient; it's a lifelong commitment that requires both sacrifice and dedication.

Consider the unfairness of one parent bearing the brunt of the emotional and physical toll of raising a child while the other enjoys a carefree life. This mindset often stems from observing how others manage parenting, but it fails to recognize that those “other people” likely have strong, established connections with their children. This situation can easily be characterized as abandonment, or, to put it bluntly, as being a “deadbeat dad.”

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For computer parenting to work, particularly in long-distance situations, a father or absent parent must be proactive and engaged. This includes not just asking how they can help but actively participating in decisions that affect the child's life. Tasks like researching daycare options, approving essential decisions promptly, and ensuring that the child's health and well-being are prioritized shouldn’t just fall on one parent. Avoiding important milestones, such as birthdays or holiday celebrations, out of pride or ego is unacceptable. Instead, planning to attend these events should be a thoughtful discussion between parents, not a man and his friends and mother. 

And let’s address the misconception that financial support is a substitute for active parenting. While child support is important, it’s not nearly enough. Money cannot replace the physical presence, emotional support, and active engagement that children need. Allowing one parent to shoulder the entire burden of raising a child, simply because it’s easier or more familiar, is not only irresponsible but perpetuates a cycle of neglect. Anyone who defends this approach is contributing to the problem.

Parenting is an immense responsibility that should not be taken lightly. It requires commitment, sacrifice, and a partnership that prioritizes the child’s well-being above all else. If you’re not ready to embrace these challenges, perhaps it’s worth reconsidering the decision to have children in the first place.